From the second he appeared on screen for the first time, Game of Throne’s Tyrion Lannister, excellently portrayed by Peter Dinklage, has been very close to my cynical heart. His observations are always spot-on and his world view is often bitterly negative. Despite that, he’s one of the most perceptive and downright human characters in a series overflowing with everything else that often makes humanity deplorable. From a boatload of worthy quotes, quips and hilarious repartees, here are a few tidbits, chosen at random …
Tyrion Lannister: Keep up!
Podrick Payne: I don’t think I can, my lord.
Tyrion Lannister: It’s not easy being drunk all the time. Everyone would do it if it were easy.
Tyrion Lannister: The powerful have always preyed on the powerless, that’s how they became powerful in the first place.
Lord Varys: You have a choice, my friend. You can stay here at Illyrio’s palace and drink yourself to death or you can ride with me to Meereen, meet Daenerys Targaryen and decide if the world is worth fighting for
Tyrion Lannister: Can I drink myself to death on the road to Meereen?
Tyrion Lannister: When you tear out a man’s tongue, you are not proving him a liar, you’re only telling the world that you fear what he might say.
[sips a cup of wine before starting to vomit]
Tyrion Lannister: The future is shit. Just like the past.
Tyrion Lannister: Why is it that when one man builds a wall, the next man immediately needs to know what’s on the other side?
Tywin Lannister: You seem rather drunk.
Tyrion Lannister: Rather less than I planned to be. Isn’t it a man’s duty to be drunk at his own wedding?
Tywin Lannister: This isn’t about your wedding. Renly Baratheon had a wedding. Your wife needs a child, a Lannister child, as soon as possible.
Tyrion Lannister: And?
Tywin Lannister: If you’re going to give her one, you need to perform.
Tyrion Lannister: What did you once call me? “A drunken little lust-filled beast.”
Tywin Lannister: More than once.
Tyrion Lannister: [slurs his words] There you have it. Nothing to worry about. Drinking and lust. No man can match me in these things. I am the god of tits and wine… I shall build a shrine to myself at the next brothel I visit.
Tyrion Lannister: It’s hard to put a leash on a dog once you’ve put a crown on its head.
Tyrion Lannister: Dragons do not do well in captivity.
Missandei: How do you know this?
Tyrion Lannister: That’s what I do. I drink and I know things.
Sansa Stark: So, how should we punish them?
Tyrion Lannister: Who? Whom?
Sansa Stark: Ser Eldrick Sarsfield and Lord Desmond Crakehall.
Tyrion Lannister: Ah. I could speak to Lord Varys and learn their perversions. Anyone named Desmond Crakehall must be a pervert.
Sansa Stark: I hear that you’re a pervert.
Tyrion Lannister: I am the Imp; I have certain standards to maintain.
Lord Varys: You have your father’s instincts for politics and you have compassion.
Tyrion Lannister: Compassion. Yes. I killed my lover with my bare hands and I shot my own father with a crossbow.
Lord Varys: I never said you were perfect.
Joffrey Baratheon: Hound, tell the Hand that his King has asked him a question.
Sandor Clegane: The King has asked you a question.
Tyrion Lannister: Sir Lancel, tell the Hound to tell the King that the Hand is extremely busy.
Lancel Lannister: The Hand of the King would like me to tell you to tell the King that…
Joffrey Baratheon: If I tell the Hound to cut you in half, he’ll do it without a second thought.
Tyrion Lannister: That would make me the quarter-man. Just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
Cersei Lannister: [referring to Tyrion’s new quarters] A bit of a comedown from chamber of the Hand. But then I don’t suppose you need much room.
Tyrion Lannister: Grand Maester Pycelle made the same joke. You must be proud to be as funny as a man whose balls brush his knees.
Tyrion Lannister: I remember reading an old sailor’s proverb. Piss on wildfire and your cock burns off.
Hallyne: Oh, I have not conducted this experiment. It could well be true.
Tyrion Lannister: [talking to the two dragons] I’m friends with your mother. I’m here to help. Don’t eat the help.
Tyrion Lannister: Oh get on with it, you son of a whore!
Jaime Lannister: Is that any way to speak about our mother?
Lord Varys: Where are you going?
Tyrion Lannister: I need to speak to someone with hair.
Missandei: We do not drink.
Tyrion Lannister: Until you do.
[upon seeing the Eyrie for the first time]
Tyrion Lannister: The Eyrie. They say it’s impregnable.
Bronn: Give me ten good men and some climbing spikes. I’ll impregnate the bitch.
Tyrion Lannister: I like you.
Tyrion Lannister: What’s the punishment for regicide? Drawing and quartering? Hanging? Breaking at the wheel?
Jaime Lannister: Beheading.
Tyrion Lannister: Seems rather ordinary. And he was my nephew as well, so what is that? Fratricide is brothers. Filicide is sons. Nepoticide. That’s the one. Matricide, patricide, infanticide, suicide. There’s no kind of killing that doesn’t have its own word.
Jaime Lannister: [referring to Alton Lannister] Cousins.
Tyrion Lannister: Cousins, you’re right. There is no word for cousin killing. Well done.
Tyrion Lannister: In my experience, eloquent men are right. Every bit as often as imbeciles.
Tywin Lannister: I always thought you were a stunted fool. Perhaps I was wrong.
Tyrion Lannister: Half wrong.
Tyrion Lannister: Wait. WAIT! Wait, wait! Wait, you can’t just hand a dried cock to a merchant and expect him to pay for it! He has to know it came from a dwarf! And how could he know unless he sees the dwarf?
Slaver: It will be a dwarf-sized cock.
Tyrion Lannister: Guess again!
Tyrion Lannister: Laughing at another person’s misery was the only thing that made me feel like everyone else.
Tyrion Lannister: Every time we deal with an enemy, we create two more.
Tyrion Lannister: It’s easy to confuse ‘what is’ with ‘what ought to be’, especially when ‘what is’ has worked out …
[to be continued]